Loss

It's been a few week now since I had my second abortion and I'm still not back to my old self.  Though the father was initially supportive, the day of the procedure he texted me that he'd be over at 9 and then I didn't hear from him again.  I'm not surprised, things like this happen when you are attracted to people with substance abuse problems.

A deep feeling of loss has dominated both of my abortion experiences.  The first time around I could feel the baby.  It wasn't far along or something, but I could just feel that it was there.  The sense of loss that I felt afterwards was consuming and surprising.  I did not doubt or regret my decision- it wasn't that.  Something that was growing inside of me was gone, suddenly and violently.  I couldn't deal with it.

This time around I didn't feel the baby. (I use the word "baby" as opposed to "fetus" because it feels less clinical- not because of political reasons or beliefs)  I felt nauseous and tired and sweaty and sensitive, but not connected to the baby.  Not like the first time.  The loss I feel this time is the loss of a friend.  The father was my friend.  Now he's not.  That makes me sad.

I just finished a letter to him, telling him how I feel about his actions.  How I can't talk to him, that an apology won't make it better.  That I understand him and forgive him, but I can't pretend like what he did didn't hurt me.  Losing his friendship has been the worst part of the whole experience.

I wasn't alone the day of the procedure because I am really lucky.  My mom was alone when she got an abortion and she said she would never let that happen to her daughters.  She took a week off of work and flew across the country to take care of me.  When the inevitable tears hit me, I curled up on her lap and she petted my hair like when I was a little girl.  She said that I would never be too old to cry on her lap and I know she is right.  I'm so lucky to have her.

It will probably take a couple more weeks before my body adjusts, but it might take a little longer for my heart to heal.  Losing friends is always hard, even when it's the right thing to do.