Monday, September 26, 2011

Slutty Slut

I often joke with my friends about being a slut.  In truth, I never really felt like one, even if I was going through a period where I would have multiple sex partners.  I'm not even sure I could define the word slut- that's a whole other topic.  I don't think having many sex partners is bad at all, and when I joke with my friends I don't use the word as a put-down.  But I never felt like the negative meaning of the word.

Until a couple weeks ago.  I was sitting in my car on the top floor of a parking garage, the heat from the sun making it hard to breath.  I had known I was pregnant for about a week.  I had just had a second ultrasound and when I asked the doctor how far along I was, she said four weeks.  The second I got back to my car I pulled out my phone to check the calendar.  Four weeks.  That left two people that could have been the father.  One too many.

It had been a fun summer.  An old lover and I started hooking up again and it was nice to have a little affection here and there while I dated others.  In early August I met someone.  Someone special.  Someone that I really thought I could be with and for three weeks an intense love affair ensued.  It was wonderful to feel wanted but it died as intensely as it had started.  Communication problems, blah, blah, blah.

I found out I was pregnant a week later when I went in for a colposcopy (a cervical biopsy).  The nurse asked when my last period was and when I told her she asked if I wanted to do a pregnancy test.  I was over two weeks late, but that wasn't particularly unusual for me.  I've always been irregular.  I took the test because I was already there.

Since my last period I had had sex with both the old lover (OL) and the someone special (SS).  I knew it could be either one, but I felt like OL had a better shot.  I wasn't speaking to SS anymore and I didn't really want to call him up and say "Guess what!  I'm preggers, it might be yours, but it might not be. Fun huh?"  At least OL and I had talked about what we would do if I became pregnant.  Well, I told him what we would do and he agreed.

It didn't really hit me until the ultrasound the next week.  By then the nausea had become constant and overwhelming and my breasts felt like they were on fire all the time.  I told OL when I first found out and he reacted ok but he wasn't reliable.  Drank too much, smoked too much weed.  He had a new girlfriend.  I wanted to feel like I could call him and he'd be there for me, but I didn't feel that way.

Sitting in my car on the roof of the parking garage, I felt like a slut.  Like I was being punished for not doing things the "right" way.  I was alone, staring at the calendar on my phone, trying to remember who I had sex with when.  Four weeks.  Had sex with SS four weeks ago- with a condom- but had sex with OL a few days before that without a condom.  Slutty slut slut.  Should have been better at wearing condoms.  Made better decisions.  Four weeks.

OL came over later that night and I told him the whole thing.  What the doctor said, when I had sex with who, how God or the universe or whatever was punishing me for being a slutty slut.  He shrugged and said, "Why don't we just say it's mine."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it doesn't really matter whose it is, I mean, you're getting an abortion. Why don't we just say it's mine."

I buried my face into his neck and he held me tight. "I just feel like such a whore."

"Whatevs, sluts are better at what they do."  He kissed my forehead and I started laughing.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

People Read This

I got a comment the said that the person noticed that I haven't posted anything for a few weeks and wanted to know what was going on.  That they enjoyed my writing.

Like whoa.  People read this.  I mean, I see hits on my stats and all.  But whoa.  People actually read my blog and like it.

So, loyal reader(s), I have had some shit going on in my life that has kept me from writing.

-I had a short, but intense romantic relationship that ended unpleasantly.
-I found out that I was pregnant a week after that.
-I got an abortion two weeks after that.
-And, last but not least, the male contributor to the pregnancy (not the same person as the relationship) totally bailed.

I have posts brewing about all of those things.  It's been a crazy few weeks but I'm ok.  I have the most amazing mom in the world who flew out from the east coast just to help me through all of it.  There will be a post about that too.

It blows my mind that people read this.  Thank you.


I posted a comment at No Seriously, What About Teh Menz? that I wanted to share here, in response to a post about bi-invisibility.

I’m queer and I’ve experienced quite a bit of ignorance and even downright discrimination. I dated primarily women for many years and was deeply immersed in the lesbian community. When I started dating a guy, a lot of my “friends” had issues with it. Questions/comments I got over and over, from straight and GLBT people:

“But I thought you were a lesbian.” (I thought I was too? What do I say to that?)

“Are you going to date women again?” (Well, let me get my crystal ball…)

“Do you like men or women better?” (I don’t- certain lovers were better than others, of course, but that didn’t have much to do with their gender)

In response to saying that I’m queer- “So you’re bisexual.” (Um, not really. Some of my most cherished relationships have been with trans men during various times in their transition. Do they not count?)

I actually lost friends because I dated men. I now date primarily straight men because I’ve found that they (at least the ones I’ve gone out with) tend to be more accepting of my sexuality. I’ve had lesbians tell me to my face that they wouldn’t want to date a women who dated/slept with men.

I’m not trying to say that all lesbians have this attitude- but the straight people in my life do not have any issues with my sexual preferences. I know that has a lot to do with where I live (the Bay Area) and the sort of people that I seek out. It gets tiring to explain over and over what really is something very personal.

When I first started dating guys I kind of freaked out about the whole thing and one of my friends said, “You know, it’s ok if you like guys too.” It was so simple and so reminiscent of when I was 17 and my sister told me that it was ok if I liked girls. It both cases it was exactly what I needed to hear.